LUNG CANCER
part 1
a piston inhale followed by a forced exhale creates a clockwork rattle through the interior space. the japanese robot breathing heavily in the corner is the oxygen machine helping my mother stay alive. it is 3:58 am, first night home from the hospital. after having a third of her lung removed the women is cancer free. modern science makes it possible to be back home in your bed with in four days of prying open your chest and carving up the slop that must be lung tissue.
blurry eyed sitting on the couch i type. to my left are half a dozen metal canisters, two and a half feet tall and 8 inch in diameter. these canisters fit in A two wheeled metal stroller with a single handle for convenient pushing. This is my mothers new appendage like an arm or a leg, she will wheel her oxygen with her everywhere she goes. a plastic tube wrapped around her ears and bifurcating her face laterally as the tube finds it’s final destination in her nose.
staring at the oxygen i decide to try it out and hook my self up ……… i have writing to do, my agent wants to know what this book is about and when she is gonna get whatever the hell i am writing. My lawyer wants to know why everything i write is so bitter. he say,s where is the like able guy i see on t v.. i have decisions to make, i have deadlines to meet. i am exhausted and in the end, i am footing the bill for this very expensive air my uninsured mom suddenly needs, why the fuck not tie in and boost up a bit.
as a drug addict somethings never change. for example, earlier tonight while i was standing in line at the pharmacy i spent that time creating different scenarios to steal my moms pain medication. i had just finished a plan to ration half her dope for my self then subdivide my half and sell it on the street. i was just pocketing the imaginary cash when the pharmacist asked if a generic brand of oxycotton would be o k, boy would it. currently i have 13 years sober but my brain works exactly the same as when i was at my highest – from a file drawer deep in my head i hear David Byrnes talking head saying “ same as it ever was, same as it ever was “.
Love you so much, bro. {{{Johnny}}} I’ll write more when I can… just in the middle of a family thing, here, at my folks’ place, and I’m being called for… xoxoxoxo
